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Advice
Updates Weekly
Direct Answers – Column for the week of August 25, 2008
Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara
False Allegiance
My boyfriend’s mother has treated me unfairly from day one, and he has witnessed her
behavior. Surely I couldn’t have done anything to upset her before we even met. When
my boyfriend told me after we marry his mother’s issue becomes my problem, I reached
my patience’s end and broke it off.
Three months later he came back and said he’s been thinking of nothing but us. He is
convinced perhaps he went overboard protecting his mother and neglecting my feelings.
However when he told his mother he wants to marry me, she refused to talk about it.
When he made a stern effort to break the ice, she cried and told him he has changed.
My perception is, after her husband left for another woman, she lived alone and
depended on her son for all the attention in life. She’s jealous and insecure now that I
am in the picture. I don’t see her ever maturing or accepting that her son will have his
own family and she won’t be his center-point.
My boyfriend firmly believes he cannot and should not hurt his mother, so I doubt his
bout of “realization” will last long. I love him, but I am worried.
Alessandra
Alessandra, most people are optimists, and that is a good thing. However, there is a
downside to optimism so common it has its own name: optimistic bias. What that means
is most of us think we are less likely than others to suffer the hazards of life.
In matters as diverse as car accidents, muggings, skin cancer, and unwanted
pregnancy, researchers find we are likely to overestimate the chances they will happen
to others and underestimate the odds they will happen to us.
You have a level of maturity we don’t expect to see in someone so young. You have an
absolute hold on yourself. You see things as they are. You don’t believe you could live
with this, and you are right.
Your boyfriend’s attitude toward his mother needs to be, I will care for you within reason,
but you will not prevent me from being a man and having a family. If he is unwilling to do
that, he doesn’t love you because he will sacrifice your life and the lives of your children
for a woman who stopped living.
Don’t ally yourself with a man you will come not to love.
Wayne & Tamara
No Call List
I am 34 and honestly care about a man, 50. Three years ago I got his number from his
brother and called him. During the entire time I have always called him except for two
times he called me for information, but not to chat. Our conversations flow smoothly,
and I think we have a lot in common. When I call him, he sounds happy to hear from
me.
I asked him twice if he was interested in dating, and he mentioned he hadn’t gotten over
his wife’s death. Another time I asked him out and he said yes, but we never went
anywhere. My family tells me to forget him and stop calling. Am I kidding myself? I
consider him a friend but would like something more.
Sabrina
Sabrina, some people don’t know how to get off the phone. They feel it traps them
between lying and being hurtful. Perhaps at 50 he is simply old-school, which means he
thinks a person should never be rude, never be impolite, and never fib. He sounds like a
man who follows John Henry Newman’s definition of a gentleman: someone who never
knowingly inflicts pain on another.
Want and desperation can be like a devil sitting on our shoulder. They block our
rationality. When that happens we need to pull back so we don’t embarrass ourselves or
harm others. This man’s politeness doesn’t make him your lover or confidante. Do him
a kindness and stop calling.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at
www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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